Communication and intuition

I feel so at a loss in this class. I am very used to linear, cause and effect, deductive reasoning. I'm good at that. I don't know how to read signs in nature, or how to understand what it means when things happen in a certain way – what is the world trying to communicate? As Michael said, "Could be something." Could be something, but what? I always want to know the answer, definitely, explicitly. I'm not so patient about waiting to understand things intuitively. I like to be able to lay something out clearly and explicitly. I have forgotten the name of the woman in class who talked about how she can communicate with spirits of people, and how she can tell when she's going down the wrong path, because things just get in her way until she gets the message that she should be doing something different, and when she does the right thing, events unfold more easily. Yes, I understand how that can happen, and I've certainly experienced those times in my own life when a large number of obstacles seem to get in my way, but how does one know for sure? What does the presence of obstacles mean?

I came to Australia because I followed intuitive signs in my life, not for any reason that I could articulate, but because my dreams and intuition led me here, and because when I tried to keep a foothold in North America, too many obstacles came up. I thought it was clear I was supposed to come here. And then I got here and felt lost for 2 ½ years wondering, why am I here? Why did the universe nudge me here? This semester is the first time I've felt like I was even getting close to the reason for coming here. But here on this continent, where I don't know the land, I don't feel like I can follow signs anymore. I'm blind, in a way I wasn't in my homeland. There, I was not blind, merely stumbling around in a fog, making out shapes vaguely. Sort of crashing around in the underbrush of my intuitive life, but not completely lost. Here on this continent I feel lost. I don't have access to the same sources of intuition I had in North America.

"Could be something." But what? What? I'm so impatient to know what. My friend Mari says that when I look for answers in my intuition, I'm like someone who orders a meal in a restaurant, and then, instead of waiting for it to be served to me, runs into the kitchen to make sure the cook is preparing it on time and exactly the way I want. Well, that's true, I am impatient like that. That's what a good friend can do, give you a true look at yourself that makes you squirm a bit.

And yet I believe that knowledge doesn't have to be only linear – explicit premises leading to certain conclusions through a process of logical deduction – but can be more like an interconnected web. Loops, circles, webs, thinking of future and past and present as always being able to interact with each other. Plants, animals, water, rocks, atmosphere always in communication. I believe that, but I'm not good at that kind of thinking. Knowledge as sharing information through a well-ordered web of social and ecological and spiritual relationships. It sounds great, but that just isn't how I've been trained. So I'm struggling.

And I feel at a loss with communicating in the class, too. I get so much out of it when the undergraduate students talk – they make such wise and interesting observations. But they also seem so hesitant to talk. I never in my life have been hesitant to talk or say what I think. Even in my first year at uni, I was always one of the first to ask a question or make an observation. So my talking alot is my personality, not just the result of my current position in life as a lecturer. And yet how does my speaking up influence the undergrads' speaking up? Does my position as a lecturer spouting off what I think squelch anyone else's willingness to talk? I don't want it to.

When Michael asks a question and all there is in the room is silence, I feel as if I want to say something. Silence after Michael asks a question feels like a wasted opportunity. I want to grab the opportunity. I've been able to hold back sometimes, but sometimes that just means the silence continues and I get frustrated that students aren't talking, and we don't get to have an interesting discussion. But how much of a role do I play in that dynamic? Should I speak up more, or shut up more? I learn a lot more when the undergraduate students talk than when I talk. Hmmm, if you don't understand undergraduates' silence, you will never understand their words. But… their words are awfully interesting.